Canada Invades
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Canucklehead Press
VANCOUVER (CKP) – The city hums tonight with the heady buzz of beer-swilling Canadians preparing for an invasion. After Joe Canadian’s cry for national pride and another beer, there are reports of uprisings in every major Canadian city. Here in Vancouver, I spoke with recently commissioned generals Douglas Coupland – Gen-X guru – and Ross Rebagliati – snowboarding Olympic gold medalist – who are preparing to lead Western Canadians in the biggest planned invasion in North American history.
“Doug, or rather, General,” I ask, “What’s the deal?”
“American consumerism and media – it’s just not funny anymore. The loonie keeps getting beat up by the dollar and good Canadian ideas keep getting absorbed by the Yanks. So we’re going in. Right, Ross?”
“Dude, the Space Arm.”
“Exactly. This invasion is going to be different – not cultural, but military. And we’re all going. Right, Ross?”
“Dude, Matthew Perry.”
“Right. This invasion is going to make the Brain Drain look like a visit to Grandma’s.”
The invasion is well coordinated, with thousands of Canadians politely lined up at crossing stations all along the 49th. Those at the larger ports are waiting until morning, when the smaller ports are opened for business, and the coordinated invasion will begin en masse.
Rumour has it that the invasion was to be by sea as well, but the cost of pulling the six submarines out of West Edmonton Mall and refitting them was prohibitive.
In eastern Canada, it’s rumoured that poet Leonard Cohen will be leading the troops – the rallying cry floating around Montreal is “First we’ll take Manhattan…we’ve got $24 worth of beads!”
There are no reports of the Americans even being aware of the impending invasion, despite the fact that the entire thing has been broadcast and publicized in the Canadian media. The CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) has even volunteered its national network of communications to coordinate the effort, in return for the promises of exclusive coverage, 30% Canadian content, and the immediate and summary execution of Fox Networks executives in charge of putting vapour trails on the puck in Fox’s coverage of hockey. One CBC executive who declined to be named stated, “That super-puck was a worse insult than when they hung the flag upside-down at the World Series.”
The lack of American awareness is hardly surprising, since U.S. coverage limits its Canadian content to Celine Dion’s pregnancy.
There was some danger of the Americans finding out when renegade Canadian Dan Ackroyd started spouting off about it, but as he did so on his “Isn’t This Weird?” show, he was promptly ignored.
The invasion seems to have the support of at least some of Canada’s First Nations as well. One Native leader’s opinion: “Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.”
Speaking to Supreme Commander Leslie Nielsen, I learned a little bit about the goals of the invasion, “Once America is subdued, it will be renamed ‘Yankee Territory,’” he said. “Sarah McLachlan will be the provisional premier, with the Barenaked Ladies as her cabinet. The former Americans will eventually be eligible to become a province, but in the meantime, their national anthem will be the Arrogant Worms’ song ‘Canada is Really Big.’ And they’ll be required to wear toques and eat poutine, dammit!”
Other changes will likely include the revision of NFL football rules to CFL – an extra ten yards and one less down, changing zee to zed, and burning down the White House again.
Sensible policies for a happier North America.
(This article is currently also running at the Amityville House of Pancakes. Stop in some time for some breakfast with a dead guy and a cold one…)
@ May 14, 2003